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So there I was sawing some wood the other day to make a couple more raised beds. Because of the chill, I wore sweatpants. Otherwise I would have worn shorts. I was – as I usually am in our garden – barefoot and shirtless.

A couple of days later, my wife comes to me and asks me why I’m gardening naked for all the world to see.

It’s at times like these that I secretly wish that I was more inconsiderate of other people and more of a person who does whatever the hell he wants. Here I was, wearing no less than sweatpants – really huge ones, that go all the way from about my belly button, to below my ankles, to protect people – from the photons that might bounce off my groin and accidentally hit their retina where they’d stimulate their optic nerve which would transfer information to the brain, which would then construct an image using that information, which it would then arbitrarily label as sexually explicit, because the wiring in their brain which would do the labeling of the constructed image as sexually explicit is actually broken – to ultimately be accused – by my wife, no less – of displaying my naked self for the world to see.

I sincerely wish I were.

My wife didn’t even see me. If she did, she never would’ve accused me of going naked. I go naked around the house. Outside, in broad daylight, I only go naked where I know there would be no retinas which the nasty photons that bounce off my groin could target, other than my own, or those of non-human individuals, or in nudist settings.

Instead, she heard it from my mother, who heard it from who knows who, who heard it from local gossips, whose brains have constructed this image of me naked after photons have passed through glasses an inch thick, which their eyes are still too broken to actually focus properly onto their respective retinas, but have brains rotten enough to turn a blurry image into a vicious gossip.

We got to the bottom of this – not the rumor, but whether I was naked or not – and there luckily aren’t any problems with my wife, but the nerve of some people!

Somehow I suddenly have more understanding for exhibitionists.

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